Monday, August 21, 2006
Another confession
Ok....I don't think my DH knows I have a blog. He knows I read other blogs because they are on our favorites list. He just asked me if it helped reading them...I said yes, and that was all we discussed. So I have to either blog while he is outside playing with our daughter....or wait until my Monday's off. I feel bad not telling him, however he seems to be dealing ok with everything, and I want him to think I'm ok. I don't want him to worry about me. When I have my moments of crying fits..going through my sons clothes or photos, he hugs me...tells me it's ok, then says 'Baby Dan says no crying Mommy, he's ok now'. He's a good hubby. I just hope he doesn't have feelings bottled up that he's not sharing, though I don't think that's his style. He is very open. For that I'm thankful. I've had a good week this week. My mood has been pretty up, unusually so. My daughter's been in a good mood, and rather well behaved so that always helps. You know...having another baby is wonderful, and I don't know where I would be without her...but everytime she does something new, or says something new...or goes down the slide by herself ....it's always a "first" my son didn't have. So the moments are always bittersweet. That doesn't mean I'm not proud of her....she really makes me laugh, she has such a personality for a two year old. Lately she likes to imitate frogs....leaping through the house. She's napping now. Well I better do some housework while I have some quiet time. Take care....
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Confused
Well....I am no longer taking BCP, I think my husband knows. Kidding, I'm pretty sure he knows. So...my mind is confused already. I wanted to stop taking them so badly....I want so much to have another baby...a little brother/sister for my daughter. So...now that I stopped I was scared....Oh my God! What if I get pregnant....another lonnnnggg 8-9 months scared, worried, anxious. Can I go through that again? Worse yet - I cannot put another baby through what my son went through...what if this is genetic...something I carry? Well...I'm not pregnant...so then I got depressed. So..I go from being scared to get pregnant....to be scared not to get pregnant. While pregnant with my daughter...it was scary. We had to see a neonatologist...frequent US..and she had a chorid plexus cyst on her brain when I was 16 weeks. AHHH! Luckily it dissolved and all was well....just something else to cause us to worry.
Sometimes I think I should just go back on BCP....and not tempt fate. Things are OK now...I don't think they'll ever be "good"....and I know another baby won't take my sons place. Ughh! Why do things have to be like this??
Well....I better go swing with my daughter and DH.
Sometimes I think I should just go back on BCP....and not tempt fate. Things are OK now...I don't think they'll ever be "good"....and I know another baby won't take my sons place. Ughh! Why do things have to be like this??
Well....I better go swing with my daughter and DH.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Terrible Two's
My 2 yr old daughter has sure turned into a rebelious child at times. I love her....but am having trouble dealing with her back talking. I've learned that she doesn't like being in her room with the door closed. So....I was able to use that as leverage to get her to nap today. I know that's bad.....but it's better than her being a grump from no nap.
Well....Friday 8/4 was the 3 yr anniversary of the day we were finally able to bring my son home from Children's hospital. Of course we were only home for a few days and had to spend the weekend in the hospital again. This time we could stay at our local hospital. It was the Friday after we got home, about noon. I was debating if it was safe to walk across the street to the bank, and leave my Mom w/Baby Dan. Thank God I waited. My DH's Mom called and just as I was talking to her, Baby Dan stopped breathing again. In the middle of his tube feeding. My Mom was screaming..."Not yet Baby Dan, No! Not Yet!"....I panicked! I had seen him do this so many times in the hospital. I told mil that I had to go....and called DH...."Do you want the baby intubated?" NO! he said. I knew we agreed on that but at the moment I froze. I called 911, told them my son was coding, had a DNR but wanted them to come anyway. In between all of this, trying to give my son mouth to mouth. He was in his bouncy seat. I still can't believe how much I froze. I mean, I was able to do the mouth to mouth and chest compressions ok, but I totally forgot how to work the suction machine...and the tube feeding he just vomited everywhere. When the ambulance showed up they put him on the couch...they said his heart was beating, and breathing shallow. They suction ALOT of tube feeding out...he was still with me. I went in the ambulance with him, and one of the guys drove my MOm to the hospital. My poor DH, felt so sorry for him...he worked not far from the hospital so he was there for a while...not knowing what was going on. WE stayed the weekend in the hospital...not sure why, I think because I was afraid to go back home...but we did on Sunday.
These episodes repeated about 4 more times over the next 3 weeks, then for some reason subsided. He still had episodes of holding his breathing..but nothing like above. Poor little guy. We made the decision before we left the hospital do make him a "do not resuscitate"...but somehow we did resusciate him a few times....I felt so bad afterwards each time. On one hand you're thankful he's still here....but to see what his little body went through each time....oh God...it had to be ....sorry....I have to stop now.
Well....Friday 8/4 was the 3 yr anniversary of the day we were finally able to bring my son home from Children's hospital. Of course we were only home for a few days and had to spend the weekend in the hospital again. This time we could stay at our local hospital. It was the Friday after we got home, about noon. I was debating if it was safe to walk across the street to the bank, and leave my Mom w/Baby Dan. Thank God I waited. My DH's Mom called and just as I was talking to her, Baby Dan stopped breathing again. In the middle of his tube feeding. My Mom was screaming..."Not yet Baby Dan, No! Not Yet!"....I panicked! I had seen him do this so many times in the hospital. I told mil that I had to go....and called DH...."Do you want the baby intubated?" NO! he said. I knew we agreed on that but at the moment I froze. I called 911, told them my son was coding, had a DNR but wanted them to come anyway. In between all of this, trying to give my son mouth to mouth. He was in his bouncy seat. I still can't believe how much I froze. I mean, I was able to do the mouth to mouth and chest compressions ok, but I totally forgot how to work the suction machine...and the tube feeding he just vomited everywhere. When the ambulance showed up they put him on the couch...they said his heart was beating, and breathing shallow. They suction ALOT of tube feeding out...he was still with me. I went in the ambulance with him, and one of the guys drove my MOm to the hospital. My poor DH, felt so sorry for him...he worked not far from the hospital so he was there for a while...not knowing what was going on. WE stayed the weekend in the hospital...not sure why, I think because I was afraid to go back home...but we did on Sunday.
These episodes repeated about 4 more times over the next 3 weeks, then for some reason subsided. He still had episodes of holding his breathing..but nothing like above. Poor little guy. We made the decision before we left the hospital do make him a "do not resuscitate"...but somehow we did resusciate him a few times....I felt so bad afterwards each time. On one hand you're thankful he's still here....but to see what his little body went through each time....oh God...it had to be ....sorry....I have to stop now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)