Saturday am again..

Well, I had just wrote a whole story and tried to spellcheck, had to change the popup blocker and my story went away. I'll write a little more.....

My hubby and daughter are still sleeping. Having trouble keeping her in her bed after 4am. She keeps wondering into our room. I put her back in her bed....this happens several times.

Three years ago today we found out my son's diagnosis, as a result of his MRI. Still seems like an awful dream. After we found out, the doctors, nurses, and social workers worked very hard to get us home so we would have time at home with him. We brought him home from Children's on Aug. 4th, the day before his 1 month birthday. What a day that was. We didn't even get to leave DC before 5pm. All of the trips to the parking garage with the medical equipment, all of our clothes piled into the car. We had been staying at the Ronald McDonald house for a month. Thank God for them. We couldn't afford to stay in a hotel for a month, and it would have been hard driving back and forth to DC every day. We would have done it though. My family was waiting for us when we got home, to help us with all of our stuff. Baby Dan did good on the ride home...his first car ride. He couldn't set up in the seat to well. I was scared the whole way. He had these little episodes where it almost seemed like he was holding his breath...and sometimes was hard to get him out of them. Thankfully the ride home he didn't have any of those. He had 4-5 that day in the hospital. I still don't know what they were.

Well...better go wait for everyone to wake up. It's grocery day. We try to get an early start to beat the WalMart madness.
Take care!

Monday blues....

Although I somewhat have the Monday blues, I'm actually having a good day with my daughter. So far. She's napping now, will probably be up shortly. I was having trouble logging on when she first went to sleep.

I started the blog because I had been reading other blogs about infant loss. And thought having a place to write down my thoughts would help. And in the few posts I have created it does. I always have these thoughts running through my head and I don't feel comfortable sharing them with family & friends. Sometimes its hard to put them all into words...without going into my whole story.

There are a few blogs I've been reading now for a few weeks. Sometimes it's hard to listen to other people's grief as well. Not because I don't care or have no concern.....just because you know how much that person is hurting as well. And you have all of the same feelings they do. Why do we have to go through things like this. Sometimes I think I'm at "peace" with everything....then there are days when I know I'm definitely NOT! I've been pretty down lately. I guess with Daniel's birthday and all. Friday will be the anniversary of when we finally were able to bring him home from the hospital. For most people that is suppose to be a joyous time. While it was joyous, that we were finally able to bring him home. It was so scarryy....
Tube feedings, medicines, heart monitors, oxygen, more medicine. That poor little guy was on so much medicine. Gosh...I don't know how I kept up. The tube feedings were every 3 hours. The pump ran for an hour then you had to shut the pump off, and disconnect the tube feeding. That meant after his 9pm feeding, we shut the pump off at 10pm and went to bed. Up at midnight for feeding and medicine, up at 1am to shut the pump off, up at 3 am to start it again, up at 4am to shut it off, and back up at 6am for feeding and medicine. We finally went to continuous feeds at night, which helped alot. That meant the feeding ran from midnight to 5am. Then a break before the 6 am feeding.

I'd do anything for that little boy though. Even if it meant a little sleep deprivation. Daddy had to work, I was lucky and had a leave of absence.

Well.....I could go on forever. I better stop before she wakes up. :)

Early Saturday am.....

Finding time to blog is a little more difficult than I expected. I guess having some blogging friends would help to. Surprisingly my daughter is still asleep so I'm taking a few minutes to catch up.

Two times this week (including this am) found her sleeping on the floor next to my bed. It was time for me to get up anyway, so I put her in bed with Daddy while I got ready. Today is walmart/grocery day. We try to get there early and avoid the walmart madness.

It has been so hot lately. Suppose to be almost 100 the next few days.

I did better with Baby Dan's birthday then I thought. Tried to focus on the happiness we had the morning he was born. I still have a few breakdowns, especially when we took his balloons to the cemetary.

I've been doing ok the past few days though. Keeping busy at work helps. There's just so much going on. At home too - my oven broke on Sunday, then my dryer on Monday. DH has been busy being Mr.Fixit this week after work. Last night he did get to go swing w/DD though. Which gave me opportunity to scrub my floors. They came back in before I could update here though.

Well, better go enjoy my coffee. :)

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Dan

Tomorrow, July 5th, is my son's 3rd birthday. I probably will not be able to blog tomorrow, so I'm wishing him an early Happy Birthday online! We went to the cemetary today and lit his candle, and hung up his Happy Birthday flag, and added extra flowers. We will go out again tomorrow after work. I miss the little guy so much. I cannot believe he would have been three years old already! Time goes by too quickly.... I think so much about what kind of little boy he would be today. What toys he would have....what he would like to watch on TV. So many "what if's". I try to stop thinking about those, but I can't help it. They pop into my mind sometimes when I least expect it. I know that may sound crazy. I feel like I live two lives now. My life in the present, with my wonderful husband and wonderful daughter.....and my life in the past with my wonderful son (& wonderful husband). It seems like I relive a day from the past, in my mind every day. It could be a day while we were still in the hospital, or a day when we were home, the funeral.... My husband was so incredible through everything. I have so much guilt for putting him through this all. I know he wasn't quite ready for a baby, and I feel like I put all this sadness on him. I have guilt about other things as well. But I try to not second guess everything. It's just so complicated sometimes.....always wondering if you did everything you could for him, was he really comfortable, could he hear me, did he even know I was there holding him every hour, every day, talking to him.
Sorry...this blog got wayyyyy off topic.
Happy Birthday Baby Dan! You'll always be my little man, and Mommy loves you so much. I can't wait to see you again. Hugs and kissies!

It's almost here

Well, in two days it will be Baby Dan's 3rd birthday. My stomach's been in knots for a few days now. I keep trying to tell myself to focus on the happiness of that day. Even though he was having a little trouble, we had no idea what was wrong or how serious things were. We were still able to enjoy that day, even though Baby Dan was in the nursery, and not in the room with me. I was so happy. Even though I have my wonderful, incredible daughter, and things are "ok" now.....I don't think I'll ever be happy, free of grief....like I was those first few days. I have to work Wed....I'm sure it won't be easy. It is also my boss's first day back from vacation. So I'm sure she'll be in my office alot. Hope I can keep it together.