a little late....

Ok - so in one of my recent blogs I mentioned that while ttc ....I was trying to "be careful" to avoid a June/July baby. Well .......oops! So, I'm 5 days late. I've resisted the urge to pee on a stick. I told my husband we would wait until the weekend to do that. Though I think we both know the answer. I'm afraid to tell anyone. I'm even a little afraid to post here. I read about 5 other blogs right now. And my heart aches for what they're going through.

So if I am pg - I just need to try and stay healthy and make it close to the due date, which I think would be 7/6. My son's birthday was 7/5. 7/6 coincidentally (?sp) was also my daughters due date. However I ended up having to be induced 4 weeks early with her. Speaking of...I think she is starting to wake up, so I better get going.

We're going to my inlaws my next Monday off, but I will try and post before we take off. Take care!

On a sidenote...

I forgot to mention in my post, daughter is doing GREAT at potty training! Well, for #1 at least.....she still likes to go #2 in her training pants. But...I'm ok with that for now. I'm so proud of her!!!!

Untitled

Well, it's Monday again. Trying to have a good day. My daughter is rebelling over watching spongebob. I think she watches too much TV so I'm trying to limit her today. Sometimes she acts so much like a teenager, and she's only two! She is napping now. Ahhh....
On Friday I ran into our hospice nurse. She was at work visiting a patient and stopped by. It's the first I've seen her for a few months. We talked happily for a while, she was telling me about a recent patient, another baby, then she asked me if I had any regrets. I lost it...just started crying and telling her my regrets ...of my son's last day. I hope she doesn't feel bad that she made me cry..it was definetly something I needed to get out, and felt better afterwards for doing so. She's the best. I never, never would have made it through everything without her. She always provided me with so much reassurance..and that meant so much. All the decisions you think you're going to make when having a baby....just flew out the window. Suddenly it was his medicine schedule, tube feeding schedule, keeping track of his temps, having his labs drawn all the time. My poor little man. I miss him so much. I was contemplating what to do with all of his clothes. I have two drawers full of favorite outfits that I pull out and look at from time to time. Then I also have two big totes full of clothes. I'm not sure if I should keep them forever or just throw them away. I don't think I could give them away, or use them again if we do decide to have another baby - and it's a boy. That may be hard.
Well I'm going to go read some more blogs. Take care.

Monday blues?

Well, it's Monday again. A Monday off. I look forward to my three day weekends so I can have more time with my daughter, however seems like we've been fighting this weekend. She's napping now, I'm going to try and make the rest of the day good...so I don't go back to work tomorrow feeling awful. Trying potty training again....ugh! She is so smart but I just don't think she's ready. She was off to a good start a few months ago at our first attempt...but went down hill quickly. Oh well, I don't want to rush her...but I feel like I am. My Grandmother just called...asked me if I had the "blue Monday blues". She cracks me up. I told her no, but she always has the Monday blues...not sure why.
I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I'm hoping a job comes open soon where I can work from home. Though that may be difficult with a rambuxious two year old.
Well...I guess we're going to wait about 2 months to really try and get pg. This maybe will avoid a June/July baby. An Aug. baby would be good. But you never know with me. My son was 2 1/2 weeks early, and my daughter 4. Well I guess I'll go surf some more, maybe lay down and try and catch a nap too. Of course Days will be on soon...Take care

What to do...

Well, now that my hubby and I have discussed having another baby - still some details to be worked out - I may have to be careful for two months. If we were to get pg this month, the due date would be my daughters b-day...I don't want to spoil her bday. And if we wait until next month to get pg, it will be close to my sons bday. When I was pg w/her, the due date was my sons bday....which I was worried about. I didn't want him to ever think that his bday wasn't special. But..my daughter was born 4 weeks early, not by her choice. All went well though. I think I would be ok having a baby close to my sons bday...just not on that day. That is and will always be his special day.

I am ready to go to walmart - waiting for hubby and daughter to wake up. She crawled in bed with him while I was in the shower. She actually fell back asleep this time. I'll give them to 7:30...then we have to get ready and go. Walmart is tooooo busy on the weekends, but if we get there early it's not to bad. Ugh!

Take care everyone!

a little sad....

Well...I spent the past few days feeling blah! Nauseated. I thought for sure I was pregnant. However...much too my surprise, I work up this morning to find out No! I'm not pregnant. In fact, instead of being late....I was early. Ugh!! Oh by the way...I was right my hubby didn't know I stopped bcp. Apparently when I messed up on them a few months ago and he told me to stop taking them, he meant that pack...not permanently. He knows now. So I guess it's good not to be pregnant without him expecting. I am still sad though. Now I have a dilemma...do we stop trying and wait until I'm sure to avoid a June-July baby? My daughters due date for a long time was the day after my sons birthday....that was hard. I do not want to go through that again. Though both were born early, by a few weeks. So we may be ok to try this month...then skip the next. Anyway...other than that things have been ok. Went to a wedding last night. My two year old daugher is a dancing queen! She enjoyed herself. When we were waiting for the wedding to start the pianist played this song that we played on my sons crib mobile all the time though, so I almost cried. Then at the reception one of the older ladies came up to me, and told me how she prayed for me, and she knew that God wouldn't leave my arms empty long. So I almost cried again. I miss that little boy. I know he's with me. I talk to him all the time. I don't let my hubby know that either . He knows I kiss Baby Dan's picture good night and tell him Mommy loves him though. Well, I better go round them up...it's bath time. Take care.

Another confession

Ok....I don't think my DH knows I have a blog. He knows I read other blogs because they are on our favorites list. He just asked me if it helped reading them...I said yes, and that was all we discussed. So I have to either blog while he is outside playing with our daughter....or wait until my Monday's off. I feel bad not telling him, however he seems to be dealing ok with everything, and I want him to think I'm ok. I don't want him to worry about me. When I have my moments of crying fits..going through my sons clothes or photos, he hugs me...tells me it's ok, then says 'Baby Dan says no crying Mommy, he's ok now'. He's a good hubby. I just hope he doesn't have feelings bottled up that he's not sharing, though I don't think that's his style. He is very open. For that I'm thankful. I've had a good week this week. My mood has been pretty up, unusually so. My daughter's been in a good mood, and rather well behaved so that always helps. You know...having another baby is wonderful, and I don't know where I would be without her...but everytime she does something new, or says something new...or goes down the slide by herself ....it's always a "first" my son didn't have. So the moments are always bittersweet. That doesn't mean I'm not proud of her....she really makes me laugh, she has such a personality for a two year old. Lately she likes to imitate frogs....leaping through the house. She's napping now. Well I better do some housework while I have some quiet time. Take care....

Confused

Well....I am no longer taking BCP, I think my husband knows. Kidding, I'm pretty sure he knows. So...my mind is confused already. I wanted to stop taking them so badly....I want so much to have another baby...a little brother/sister for my daughter. So...now that I stopped I was scared....Oh my God! What if I get pregnant....another lonnnnggg 8-9 months scared, worried, anxious. Can I go through that again? Worse yet - I cannot put another baby through what my son went through...what if this is genetic...something I carry? Well...I'm not pregnant...so then I got depressed. So..I go from being scared to get pregnant....to be scared not to get pregnant. While pregnant with my daughter...it was scary. We had to see a neonatologist...frequent US..and she had a chorid plexus cyst on her brain when I was 16 weeks. AHHH! Luckily it dissolved and all was well....just something else to cause us to worry.
Sometimes I think I should just go back on BCP....and not tempt fate. Things are OK now...I don't think they'll ever be "good"....and I know another baby won't take my sons place. Ughh! Why do things have to be like this??
Well....I better go swing with my daughter and DH.

Terrible Two's

My 2 yr old daughter has sure turned into a rebelious child at times. I love her....but am having trouble dealing with her back talking. I've learned that she doesn't like being in her room with the door closed. So....I was able to use that as leverage to get her to nap today. I know that's bad.....but it's better than her being a grump from no nap.

Well....Friday 8/4 was the 3 yr anniversary of the day we were finally able to bring my son home from Children's hospital. Of course we were only home for a few days and had to spend the weekend in the hospital again. This time we could stay at our local hospital. It was the Friday after we got home, about noon. I was debating if it was safe to walk across the street to the bank, and leave my Mom w/Baby Dan. Thank God I waited. My DH's Mom called and just as I was talking to her, Baby Dan stopped breathing again. In the middle of his tube feeding. My Mom was screaming..."Not yet Baby Dan, No! Not Yet!"....I panicked! I had seen him do this so many times in the hospital. I told mil that I had to go....and called DH...."Do you want the baby intubated?" NO! he said. I knew we agreed on that but at the moment I froze. I called 911, told them my son was coding, had a DNR but wanted them to come anyway. In between all of this, trying to give my son mouth to mouth. He was in his bouncy seat. I still can't believe how much I froze. I mean, I was able to do the mouth to mouth and chest compressions ok, but I totally forgot how to work the suction machine...and the tube feeding he just vomited everywhere. When the ambulance showed up they put him on the couch...they said his heart was beating, and breathing shallow. They suction ALOT of tube feeding out...he was still with me. I went in the ambulance with him, and one of the guys drove my MOm to the hospital. My poor DH, felt so sorry for him...he worked not far from the hospital so he was there for a while...not knowing what was going on. WE stayed the weekend in the hospital...not sure why, I think because I was afraid to go back home...but we did on Sunday.

These episodes repeated about 4 more times over the next 3 weeks, then for some reason subsided. He still had episodes of holding his breathing..but nothing like above. Poor little guy. We made the decision before we left the hospital do make him a "do not resuscitate"...but somehow we did resusciate him a few times....I felt so bad afterwards each time. On one hand you're thankful he's still here....but to see what his little body went through each time....oh God...it had to be ....sorry....I have to stop now.

Saturday am again..

Well, I had just wrote a whole story and tried to spellcheck, had to change the popup blocker and my story went away. I'll write a little more.....

My hubby and daughter are still sleeping. Having trouble keeping her in her bed after 4am. She keeps wondering into our room. I put her back in her bed....this happens several times.

Three years ago today we found out my son's diagnosis, as a result of his MRI. Still seems like an awful dream. After we found out, the doctors, nurses, and social workers worked very hard to get us home so we would have time at home with him. We brought him home from Children's on Aug. 4th, the day before his 1 month birthday. What a day that was. We didn't even get to leave DC before 5pm. All of the trips to the parking garage with the medical equipment, all of our clothes piled into the car. We had been staying at the Ronald McDonald house for a month. Thank God for them. We couldn't afford to stay in a hotel for a month, and it would have been hard driving back and forth to DC every day. We would have done it though. My family was waiting for us when we got home, to help us with all of our stuff. Baby Dan did good on the ride home...his first car ride. He couldn't set up in the seat to well. I was scared the whole way. He had these little episodes where it almost seemed like he was holding his breath...and sometimes was hard to get him out of them. Thankfully the ride home he didn't have any of those. He had 4-5 that day in the hospital. I still don't know what they were.

Well...better go wait for everyone to wake up. It's grocery day. We try to get an early start to beat the WalMart madness.
Take care!

Monday blues....

Although I somewhat have the Monday blues, I'm actually having a good day with my daughter. So far. She's napping now, will probably be up shortly. I was having trouble logging on when she first went to sleep.

I started the blog because I had been reading other blogs about infant loss. And thought having a place to write down my thoughts would help. And in the few posts I have created it does. I always have these thoughts running through my head and I don't feel comfortable sharing them with family & friends. Sometimes its hard to put them all into words...without going into my whole story.

There are a few blogs I've been reading now for a few weeks. Sometimes it's hard to listen to other people's grief as well. Not because I don't care or have no concern.....just because you know how much that person is hurting as well. And you have all of the same feelings they do. Why do we have to go through things like this. Sometimes I think I'm at "peace" with everything....then there are days when I know I'm definitely NOT! I've been pretty down lately. I guess with Daniel's birthday and all. Friday will be the anniversary of when we finally were able to bring him home from the hospital. For most people that is suppose to be a joyous time. While it was joyous, that we were finally able to bring him home. It was so scarryy....
Tube feedings, medicines, heart monitors, oxygen, more medicine. That poor little guy was on so much medicine. Gosh...I don't know how I kept up. The tube feedings were every 3 hours. The pump ran for an hour then you had to shut the pump off, and disconnect the tube feeding. That meant after his 9pm feeding, we shut the pump off at 10pm and went to bed. Up at midnight for feeding and medicine, up at 1am to shut the pump off, up at 3 am to start it again, up at 4am to shut it off, and back up at 6am for feeding and medicine. We finally went to continuous feeds at night, which helped alot. That meant the feeding ran from midnight to 5am. Then a break before the 6 am feeding.

I'd do anything for that little boy though. Even if it meant a little sleep deprivation. Daddy had to work, I was lucky and had a leave of absence.

Well.....I could go on forever. I better stop before she wakes up. :)

Early Saturday am.....

Finding time to blog is a little more difficult than I expected. I guess having some blogging friends would help to. Surprisingly my daughter is still asleep so I'm taking a few minutes to catch up.

Two times this week (including this am) found her sleeping on the floor next to my bed. It was time for me to get up anyway, so I put her in bed with Daddy while I got ready. Today is walmart/grocery day. We try to get there early and avoid the walmart madness.

It has been so hot lately. Suppose to be almost 100 the next few days.

I did better with Baby Dan's birthday then I thought. Tried to focus on the happiness we had the morning he was born. I still have a few breakdowns, especially when we took his balloons to the cemetary.

I've been doing ok the past few days though. Keeping busy at work helps. There's just so much going on. At home too - my oven broke on Sunday, then my dryer on Monday. DH has been busy being Mr.Fixit this week after work. Last night he did get to go swing w/DD though. Which gave me opportunity to scrub my floors. They came back in before I could update here though.

Well, better go enjoy my coffee. :)

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Dan

Tomorrow, July 5th, is my son's 3rd birthday. I probably will not be able to blog tomorrow, so I'm wishing him an early Happy Birthday online! We went to the cemetary today and lit his candle, and hung up his Happy Birthday flag, and added extra flowers. We will go out again tomorrow after work. I miss the little guy so much. I cannot believe he would have been three years old already! Time goes by too quickly.... I think so much about what kind of little boy he would be today. What toys he would have....what he would like to watch on TV. So many "what if's". I try to stop thinking about those, but I can't help it. They pop into my mind sometimes when I least expect it. I know that may sound crazy. I feel like I live two lives now. My life in the present, with my wonderful husband and wonderful daughter.....and my life in the past with my wonderful son (& wonderful husband). It seems like I relive a day from the past, in my mind every day. It could be a day while we were still in the hospital, or a day when we were home, the funeral.... My husband was so incredible through everything. I have so much guilt for putting him through this all. I know he wasn't quite ready for a baby, and I feel like I put all this sadness on him. I have guilt about other things as well. But I try to not second guess everything. It's just so complicated sometimes.....always wondering if you did everything you could for him, was he really comfortable, could he hear me, did he even know I was there holding him every hour, every day, talking to him.
Sorry...this blog got wayyyyy off topic.
Happy Birthday Baby Dan! You'll always be my little man, and Mommy loves you so much. I can't wait to see you again. Hugs and kissies!

It's almost here

Well, in two days it will be Baby Dan's 3rd birthday. My stomach's been in knots for a few days now. I keep trying to tell myself to focus on the happiness of that day. Even though he was having a little trouble, we had no idea what was wrong or how serious things were. We were still able to enjoy that day, even though Baby Dan was in the nursery, and not in the room with me. I was so happy. Even though I have my wonderful, incredible daughter, and things are "ok" now.....I don't think I'll ever be happy, free of grief....like I was those first few days. I have to work Wed....I'm sure it won't be easy. It is also my boss's first day back from vacation. So I'm sure she'll be in my office alot. Hope I can keep it together.

Little Boys

Well, I had to hide and cry again today. One of the nurses I work with had a visitor today. Her daughter-in-law and her newest grandbaby. An adorable little boy, he's just a few months old. I don't know why but when I see little boys I still feel the need to go cry. Not all the time, just some of the time. Just makes me miss my little boy that much more.

I've been doing better about keeping a smile in such situations. It's not that I'm not happy for other people with little boys, it's just heartbreaking at the same time.....

My Baby Dan

My Baby Dan...

.... was born on July 5, 2003. He lived for 6 months and 14 days, passing away on January 19, 2004. For the first two days of his life, we were not sure what was wrong. Had some respiratory difficulty, only required a little oxygen. His wrists were turned a little, and he kept his hands in a fist. The big problem was that he didn't cry to eat, and when I did try to feed him, he turned blue, he could not coordinate his breathing and sucking.

So when he was two days old, he was transferred to Children's hospital in Washington, DC. Daniel spent the next few weeks here. He was able to come home the day before he turned one month old.

The prognosis however was not good. Daniel was diangosised with a Mitochondrial Disorder. The specific type could not be determined. The diagnosis was based on the MRI results. We were sent home, knowing that Daniel would die, probably soon. He had to be tube fed, and required LOTS of medications. My poor little guy....

I will go into details more at a later time. Just a brief summary to get the blog up and running.

My son would have been three next week. I'm still having such a hard time dealing with his death. I have a wonderful two year old daughter also. If it wasn't for her in my life, I don't know where I would be. She will never take Daniel's place though.

Thank you for reading.