Tomorrow, July 5th, is my son's 3rd birthday. I probably will not be able to blog tomorrow, so I'm wishing him an early Happy Birthday online! We went to the cemetary today and lit his candle, and hung up his Happy Birthday flag, and added extra flowers. We will go out again tomorrow after work. I miss the little guy so much. I cannot believe he would have been three years old already! Time goes by too quickly.... I think so much about what kind of little boy he would be today. What toys he would have....what he would like to watch on TV. So many "what if's". I try to stop thinking about those, but I can't help it. They pop into my mind sometimes when I least expect it. I know that may sound crazy. I feel like I live two lives now. My life in the present, with my wonderful husband and wonderful daughter.....and my life in the past with my wonderful son (& wonderful husband). It seems like I relive a day from the past, in my mind every day. It could be a day while we were still in the hospital, or a day when we were home, the funeral.... My husband was so incredible through everything. I have so much guilt for putting him through this all. I know he wasn't quite ready for a baby, and I feel like I put all this sadness on him. I have guilt about other things as well. But I try to not second guess everything. It's just so complicated sometimes.....always wondering if you did everything you could for him, was he really comfortable, could he hear me, did he even know I was there holding him every hour, every day, talking to him.
Sorry...this blog got wayyyyy off topic.
Happy Birthday Baby Dan! You'll always be my little man, and Mommy loves you so much. I can't wait to see you again. Hugs and kissies!
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